New Songs for Today, Old Songs for Tomorrow

Timorerry Jones

Oh Timorerry Jones he had a cat,

Had a cat,

Oh yes he had a cat.

Oh Timorerry Jones he had a cat.

YES! He had a cat.

(Repeat with random items that one can own)

Fava Bean

Fava Bean,

What have you seen,

Do you know my uncle?

Fava Bean,

Where have you been,

Have you met my aunt?

Henry Kissenger's Menagerie

Henry Kissenger had a cat,

Had a cat,

Had a cat.

Henry Kissenger had a cat,

It's name was Betsy Kissenger.

(Repeat with other animals (always name Betsy Kissenger))

Russian Folk Tunes

Your mom smells.

Your mom smells.

She eats bacon,

And is a Czechoslovakian. 

Slylock Fox

It's the greatest newspaper puzzle section of all times. I just cannot believe how wonderful Slylock Fox is. Slylock Fox allows children to excerce both hemispheres of the brain by solving mysteries and drawing pictures of orangutans. Scratch that, everyone young and old can do some brain aerobics with Slylock Fox. Why, today, I learned that cheese can be used to describe cheeses made from various types of milk, including CAMEL. Where else will you learn that? Uncle Richard's Fun Gazebo? 

Today's Slylock Fox in particular tickled my adenoids (because I laughed so hard). Featuring a deli pig with a difficult question, this puzzle taught me about friendly social interactions and defusing difficult situations with a witty remark. The deli pig asked Slylock Fox what he weighed, and guess what Slylock's ingenious reply was?

That's right.

"You weigh deli meats!" 

Genius. What a great way to both answer the question without insulting the deli pig and without actually answering the question. Children should all emulate Slylock Fox and learn to use their brains (both hemispheres) in all sorts of situations. Scratch that, we should all use our brains more and read more Slylock Fox. 

Great Idea

Bagels with Beards.

Neglected to Mention

I am making a game for EEEEEEEGRA dot com. More specifically, for a contest. 

THIS CONTEST

The only game about sorting laundry ever made.

Four Restaurant (sort of) Reviews

Cha Chaan Tengs are a part of everyone's life. They serve food at all hours. Breakfast! Lunch! Tea! Dinner! Midnight bum snack! Cha chaan tengs are great! Here is a review of four of them.

Noriega

ABC Bakery and Cafe

My least favorite. Low quality food combined with a milk tea that grates the teeth. Their beef is rangy, and most of their dishes taste somewhat strange and grainy. Their prices are somewhat higher than the alternatives on Noriega, so skip this place if anthing else is open. Only go here if you are in need of a very late night snack because they are open until three in the morning. At three in the morning, nobody cares what food tastes like. Their chestnut buns are not very chestnutty, but nobody in the world makes decent chestnut desserts, except for the grumpy old man in London.

Tak Kee (De Ji in Mandarin)

I go here every week. Their breakfasts are a deal and a steal, and their teatime snacks are more like a teatime meal, especially the soup noodles. Food quality is pretty high, and they have an decent traditional Chinese menu. I like their milk tea because it actually tastes like tea, and it is always hotter than the sun. Plus they are super inexpensive. Great! excellent. This is a decent cha chaan teng for everyday meals and take-out. Their porridge is pretty good too (but not as good as the old place downtown). Convenient, tasty, and inexpensive. 

Irving

Macau Something or Other

I don't remember the exact name of this tiny cafe, but I was not impressed. First, they are closed for teatime hours. Second, their food is not very exciting. It's better than ABC (doesn't taste nasty) but everything is bland bland bland and overpriced (compared to other cha chaan tengs). I didn't get a chance to try their milk tea, but I'm not going back to try it. Not worth the trip. Even if they have sardines. Mmmm... sardines.

Taraval

T-28

The best out of all the cha chaan tengs I've tried. I've only been here twice, but I always want to go here. Good quality (their baked seafood rice had actual mussels in it!) and large portions. Their milk tea is very good, and their set menu includes dessert as well. Mango pudding, anyone? Although T-28 has prices approximate the ones at ABC, the quality of their food totally makes up for that. Only problem: Taraval is way far away (from where I am). Great for those times when you don't want to eat downtown and are too hungry to wait for the N train. They also have the largest selection of porky buns I have seen.

Extra segment: Favorite dishes at cha chaan tengs

Anything with ox tongue/ox tail

Baked seafood rice, even though it gives me lactose stummy ache

Milk tea (duh)

Macaroni soup

Things with fried eggs on top

Eggplants eggplants egg-plants

Television Talk

Hey! You! Have you seen "The Prisoner"? Well, go watch it, and then write a ten page essay on the meaning of the last episode. 

Or just watch it so I can argue about it with you. Besides, I bet you already have a HUGE crush on Patrick McGoohan. 

HUGE crush.

Size of a brontosaurus.

Coffee Breath

I got a job at Starbuxxxxx. I win at interviews!

Bizarre Threats

Don't tell these to people who are actually threatening you.

1. "I'm going to slice off your nipples with a fruit knife."

2. "See this stick? It's going right through your navel."

3. "I'm going to throw you under a wagon."

4. "If you do that one more time, I'll eat your fingernails."

5. "I'll scar you with this most painful loaf."

6. "I'm sending you to the old man's home minus five inches of entrail."

Secret Project

I have a secret project that will be revealed. It's for a contest. OHHHH A CONTEST. Track record in contests- won one, forgot to enter a million (two). 

Ace Flashman in "Reggiecide"- Part II

In the last episode, Ace found himself in a figurative sack of angry bees as the elite guards of King Reggie closed in on him. He then flashed back to a time when he accepted an important mission. Today, we will examine some high-tech gear and board a train.

Reggiecide Part 2: Gears and Trains

As an adventurer, Ace Flashman used an impressive amount of gear. Thus, he needed an assistant to keep it organized, and Veronica was that assistant. Her system of organization was flawless, and incomprehensible to Ace. He was ready for adventuring in a matter of hours.

“Thank you honey bunches.” Ace grabbed his last item, a train ticket to Reggieopolis, from Veronica’s hands. “Without you, I would have been ready in weeks, not hours.”

Because they shared a chaste romance, the couple parted with a quick smooch and loving hugs. It was time to travel.

 Ace arrived at the train station (with the help of Toby, his immature chauffeur) and boarded the train without hassle, sitting next to a grumpy Hawaiian, who shot dirty looks at the rate of five looks per minute. Soon, the conductor tugged on the whistle, and the train chugged along, quickly reaching its maximum speed of 5,000 miles per hour. Curmudgeonly seatmate aside, this easy ride would be the only one Ace could experience. Ace lost himself in thoughts of adventuring and saving helpless citizens.

Bazoop! A laser beamed past Ace and through the brain of his neighbor, the Hawaiian. “That laser was clearly meant for me.” Ace reached for his favorite weapon, his burly arms. “And these guns are meant for you.”

He swung a fierce right hook at his assailant. The assailant ducked. “Who are you, and what beef do you have with me, Ace Flashman, adventurer,” asked Ace, as his left fist whizzed through the air, connecting not with the stranger, but with air molecules.

His black-clad assailant danced around like a prima donna, dodging every kick, punch, and grapple Ace had. “I am A. Menace. I am a loyal servant of King Reggie, here to stop your filthy task.”

“I see you’re not alone.” Ace picked up his stiff neighbor and threw him at the A. Menace. “You and your laser gun have come to stop me.”

A. Menace bent backwards at a ninety-degree angle, a crafty smile on his evil, pointy face. “Oh, but can you stop us, Sir Flashman? Humans cannot stop lasers! They are not made of reflective material, you muscle dunce.” A. Menace brandished his burnished bronze laser guns, two in his hands, a third in the mutant hand growing from the top of his egg-like head. “And you can see I have three lasers in my three hands.”

Ace Flashman flinched at the sight of the three lasers, but not at the sight of the third arm because he was unprejudiced and a kind soul. Would he be able to stop this three-armed A. Menace?

Next time on "Reggiecide": Ace Flashman has a few tricks up his sleeve, literally!

 

Question and Answer: Bathroom Reading

As a descendant of a notorious bathroom reader, here is an important multi-question for people. What is your opinion on bathroom reading, and do you partake in it yourself or do other things such as playing gameboy?

Winner gets a stale raisin bread unless I eat it tonight.

Dinner Crepes

So yesterday (it's almost five A.M., which means I ate dinner yesterday) I had crepes for dinner! This was a very intelligent and healthy move because the crepes were homemade and filled with oranges. Ignore the part where the crepes were also eaten with a huge amount of chocolate chips and ice cream. Crepes are a healthy choice for dinner! They are also very easy to make, so no recipe this time because there are plenty online and I didn't do anything special. Plus Colton makes MUCH better crepes than I do. Colton's Crepes: delicious, not lumpy, cooked to perfection. Oh yummy.

Next time on "Crepes for Dinner"-

Add some lemon zest

Add the wet ingredients to the flour, not vice versa (lumps)

Savory crepes (too lazy to defrost and fry sausages)(that sounds dirty)

This will not happen today because PARENTS are coming and according to father, we are going to Burger King for dinner (lies, dad hates fast food and is actually Alan Greenspan). (I am also up earlier than five A.M. because parents are coming and I was so excited I couldn't sleep (this has happened before, see Christmas and birthdays and any exciting event).) Saturday sounds like a good day for dinner crepes. This time, they will be savory crepes, with sausages and onions and garlic. 

Ace Flashman in "Reggiecide"- Part I

Reggiecide Part 1: The Mission

Ace Flashman crept along the hedges by King Reginald's royal gardens. Though Ace knew many forms of offense and defense, the red-uniformed king's guards were an elite force, and he could not fend them off alone. He needed stealth to complete this adventure. 

Crruck! A branch snapped, and Ace froze as the guards whipped around at the sharp noise. "Blast and gunfire," thought Ace. The guards had noticed his muscular yet sleek form beside the hedges, and were now rushing towards him, the red gleam of murder in their eyes. Leaping upwards into a martial stance, Ace braced himself for the upcoming battle. Why had he accepted this mission?

Three days ago:

"Ace, I have a mission request for you," said Dr. Veronica Brandheart, reading her electronic mail on her tiny handheld computer Marlon. "The poor citizens of Reggiopolis have asked that you free them from the tyrannical claw of their king, King Reginald."

"Why?" grunted Ace, while doing one-handed pushups in Dr. Brandheart's clean and well-decorated office. He was an adventurer, not a man of missions, and though he loved Veronica and helping the oppressed, he did not love missions.

Veronica frowned and flipped her lush auburn locks. "You don't have to ask why! Citizens are being oppressed, and it is your duty to help them. Look, over nine thousand have specifically asked for your help. Read this one. A sad little girl with a stuffed bunny rabbit wrote it. Just. For. You." She handed Marlon to Ace.

Brow furrowed, Ace began to read the pitiful message of Reggiopolis' citizens while still doing push-ups. " Please help us Mr. Ace. My stuffed rabbit Bipsy and me ain't had a bite of bread to eat in five months. We has had to eat only dry grass and yucky roots. King Reggie is mean." There were many more of these messages, each pleading for Ace's help. A single tear fell from his left eye. "My heavens and word, Veronica, I had no idea. How could I refuse this mission request?" Ace stood up, back straight, a determined look on his face. "Get my gear Veronica. I think it's time for a mission."

Next time on "Reggiecide": Ace Flashman gets geared up, and encounters trouble on a train.

Other Noteworthy Items of Interest

1. Mustang Ranch has been finished. If you have been following this tale, cheer for joy! For those of you who haven't, sorry. It's not the "great American story". Ha ha ha!

2. I forgot to take pictures of my aunt and uncle's scary statunes because I was too engrossed in their book collection. But I did take five hundred million pictures of cats?

"The Adventures of Ace Flashman, Adventurer" character guide

Here is a guide of all the characters in the new adventure serial story, "The Adventures of Ace Flashman, Adventurer". 

Our Two Main Heroes

Ace Flashman- A handsome adventurer out to discover new lands and people. He knows how to defend himself, as well as up to three sheep, one or two monkeys,  two and a half damsels, and a boxful of baby animals.

Veronica Brandheart- An extraordinarily intelligent weapons scientist who provides all sorts of gadgetry for our hero. She is also our hero's "eye apple" and shares a chaste romance with him.

As the number of characters grows, so too will this list, so remember to refer back here if you are ever lost, and cannot remember what Young Brandon, Boy Musician, is known for.